The Woman with Many Husbands

 

Once I stayed with a friend for a few days. I noticed that at every opportunity his daughters used to exclaim, “My Daddy’s the best in the world!” He used to become pleased, his chest used to expand a little to accommodate the latest dose of pride, and he used to return the favour by asking, “What do you wish to have, darlings?” Why he, in spite of being a salesperson, behaved in such a naive manner was beyond me. As the girls and the doting father continued with the routine three times in a twenty-five-minute car ride one evening, I looked at his wife with questioning eyes. She immediately ejaculated with full conviction, “Yes, he is undoubtedly the best in the world, Amitabh! The best father, and the best husband!”

            I could not suppress my laughter. Her response had reminded me of a story of the four women who suddenly came across a naked man. The first one said, “Wow, what a man! Alas! He is not from my family.” The second one added, “You are right. He is neither from your family nor from any house in this lane.” The third woman gasped, “What a lovely specimen! Isn’t he a stranger to our locality?” After a good look, the fourth lady sadly remarked, “How I wish we had at least one man like him in our entire village!” While the fourth woman intimately knew all men in her village, my friend’s wife was claiming to personally know all men on the Earth!

            Exaggeration is a favourite tool of writers. Mark Twain wrote in ‘Old Times on the Mississippi’: “I could have hung my hat on my eyes, they stuck out so far.” The good old Shakespeare made Romeo speak of Juliet, “The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars!” Cartoonists take advantage of exaggeration to catch eyeballs. Stage actors, dancers, and singers fall prey to the lure of exaggeration to add charm to their craft. A long journey is often termed as “to the moon and back,” while a dull person is branded as “pea-brained” in common parlance. Right from infants to the very old, everyone takes the help of exaggerated gestures to …

            To achieve what? Why do we exaggerate? Is it necessary to exaggerate? Would my friend have ignored the demand of his daughters if they had not pumped up his ego?

            Some form of exaggeration is habitual, and is generally an indulgence in propriety and politeness. Nursery rhymes from a toddler earn the accolade of “very good,” first attempts at classical dance are greeted with “very nice,” an abusive child in the nursery is called “very bad,” the newly-wed wife is always “very beautiful,” an overcharged meal is usually “very bad,” an ambient temperature of 18 degrees Celsius in Dubai is “very cold,” and people who cease to be your friend may be “very cunning.” It matters little that most of the rhyme remains clung to the interiors of the reluctant mouth of the toddler, that the dance is a demonstration of a disastrous disconnect between rhythm and steps, that the abusive child shares toys with classmates but they don’t, that the newlywed wife sports owlish eyes on a simian face, that not a molecule of the food is left uneaten, that wearing even a light sweater at 18 degrees Celsius in Dubai may be akin to standing next to a blast furnace, and that each of the lost friends has a personal reason behind their inability to contribute to the friendship any longer.

            Exaggeration is a part of the Urdu culture and a practice in humility, following which one’s own mansion becomes poverty’s abode (ghareebkhana) while the hut of the other person is deemed fit for being termed as full of riches (daulatkhana) and the not-so-respectable guest gets a name of honour (ism-e-girami) while the host becomes similar to dust (khaksaar).   

Exaggeration is an effective tool for grabbing attention. It is also used to divert attention. Most magic shows will fall flat like a leaked soda water bottle if the attention of the audience remains continuously focussed on the relevant activity. Move a step further, and we encounter exaggeration done to gain sympathy. If you are disinclined to go somewhere and by the grace of god manage to bump your big toe into something hard, introduce a limp in your walk, twist your face in pain, and confirm in a weak voice, “Yes, sure, I am coming!” Unless you have a date with a tyrant who nests a slab of ice in place of heart in their chest, you are likely to be excused from the meeting. Remember, though, that I will consider you as a wonderful actor, but also as a deceiver and a responsibility-shirker once you pull off that stunt successfully.

Experts in exaggeration impress people by boasting about themselves with false claims, and succeed in manipulating the audience. As I write these lines, a herbal medicine company, after being rapped on the knuckles by the Supreme Court of India, has submitted an unconditional apology for making misleading claims about the efficiency of its products. The company sold 2.5 million “immunity boosting” kits for Rs.250,00,00,000 (about 34 million US Dollars) in the first four months of their launch in the mid of 2020, the year Corona made its grand entry in the country. How many succumbed to the dreaded disease in spite of the availability of such a wonderful drug, is anybody’s guess.

Exaggeration, when stemming from cognitive distortions, leads to an inaccurate assessment of reality. One may underestimate problems and fail to overcome them, or catastrophize situations and lose hope. Falling in the first category, a close relative has ended up with a financial burden after all his commercial ventures in twenty-five years failed one after the other. Last contacted, he was planning to set up a fresh business by seeking private funds. A single negative event may be enough for those in the second category to sink their self-esteem further, making them feel that they would never succeed. Of course, you know that Walt Disney, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg, Soichiro Honda, Isaac Newton and many others became successful only after tasting failure initially.

Narcissists are notorious for exaggeration. After jumping a metre they fabricate a scenario of great difficulty and increase that distance multifold. I wonder whether such exaggeration improves their self-esteem.

Unless exercised for humour or to lift up the spirits of a terminally ill person, exaggeration almost always leads to something negative. After reading “finest” on the packaging of many substandard items, I have simply stopped believing in the printed line on product packages. Their stretching and twisting of facts makes me doubt all claims made on social and traditional media. It may not be much different for you. Sooner or later, people who exaggerate or lie lose credibility and trust. They seem to lack honesty even when stating facts.

Even with a single member’s exaggeration, teams can be easily misled to take wrong action, misuse resources including money and time, and fail. As an aftereffect, healthy and efficient teams may become sick, get infested with infighting, lose reputation, and even get disbanded.

So, now that we know why we exaggerate and how it harms us, the question arises: Can we identify and manage it?

Thankfully, the answer is: Yes!

As a first precaution, be vigilant about superlative terms such as “very,” “incredibly,” “best,” “super,” etc. Judge, are they really necessary or have been added for effect? Can the adverb be replaced with data? For example, instead of calling something a “super-silent engine,” can we describe its sound level in decibels?

Secondly, replace bombastic words and expressions with plain speech. If you had a decent breakfast at 10 in the morning, would you be “starving,” “ravenously hungry,” or simply “hungry” at 2 in the afternoon? Does the regular office work really leave you “exhausted” at the end of the day, or do you actually feel only tired?

Thirdly, rather than throwing lofty figures, start submitting facts that propel or throttle the prospects of a newly introduced product in the volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous environment. If everybody follows suit and sticks to reality, no exaggeration would creep in.

Fourthly, watch yourself and correct the slip ups. Old habits die hard. Learn to control the damage, for example, with statements such as this: “I’ll do it tomorrow … on second thoughts, let me correct that I will do it on the next working day, as tomorrow is a holiday.”

Finally, sincerely examine the reason underlying your exaggeration. Chances are, you will find it in this article itself. You can also count the number of hyperboles in this piece.  

Good luck!

Promoting Nonviolence Violently!

 I had forgotten all about it. Who remembers incidents that happened 52 years ago? But then, as I watched the 1923 movie ‘Society of the Snow’, it started gradually coming back. On October 13, 1972, a short-duration chartered flight had crashed over the Andes. Search for the aircraft was abandoned after eight days, and the survivors were left to fend for themselves under extremely cold conditions. There was hardly anything to eat. A single biscuit for three days, cotton stuffing of the seats, leather of belts and shoes—the survivors tried everything till their body started consuming itself. Their urine output reduced to a few drops of black liquid. The ordeal continued for more than 70 days for the final survivors, who were left with no option but to cannibalise the dead co-passengers.

            Some creatures are carnivore. Other animals are their food. The herbivore mostly eat plants but may also drink milk which is an animal product; and the omnivore eat plants and food of animal origin. Humans, and many human deities, are omnivore. The Muniyandi Swami temple in Madurai offers chicken and mutton biryani as prasad on its annual three-day festival, the Vimala temple in Puri doles out fish and mutton dishes during the Durga Puja festival, the Tarkulha Devi temple in Gorakhpur serves mutton during the Khichari Mela, the Parassinik Kadavu temple in Kerala has a prasad of fish and toddy, and the meat or fish at the Kalighat temple in Kolkata, the Kamakhya temple in Assam, the Tarapith in Birbhim in West Bengal and Dakshineswar in the same state are not unknown (The Times of India, July 13, 2022). Some years ago my aunt was appalled to see eggs being offered at the Pashupatinath temple in Kathmandu. I have seen meat dishes being enjoyed at Durga Puja pandals. Bengali and Maithil priests relish fish and meat. The meat and seafood delicacies served to Budhhist monks in Thailand can easily be the pride of the best gourmet meals. The Dalai Lama is not averse to eating meat. Some people quote an instance of Ram and Lakshman eating deer meat from the Valmiki Ramayana, while some others point out meat-eating instances in the Mahabharata.

            As per a mythological story, the Buddha-to-be was a hare in a previous birth. He decided to perform sacrifice by offering his favourite food, green succulent grass, to humans. Finding no takers, he realised that humans didn’t eat grass but loved to eat animal meat. Exercising the highest sacrifice, he resolved to offer himself as food. Learning about it, Lord Indra came to him in the disguise of a hungry Brahmin and asked for food. The hare jumped in the fire to get cooked. However, Lord Indra saved him and commemorated the ultimate sacrifice by placing an imprint of the hare on the moon. Some other versions of this story also exist, but the gist remains the same.

            Violence, a killing to be exact, is associated with meat eating (to be fair to him, Dalai Lama advocates eating naturally dead animals). Seekers of non-violence oppose the consumption of meat because of that reason. American Indologist Wendy Doniger writes about (Non)Violence as below in The Hindus - An Alternative History:

            The term “nonviolence” (ahimsa) originally applied not to the relationship between humans but to the relationship between humans and animals. Ahimsa means “the absence of the desire to injure or kill,” a disinclination to do harm, rather than an active desire to be gentle; it is a double negative, perhaps best translated by the negative “nonviolence”, which suggests both mental and physical concern for others. The roots of ahimsa may lie in Vedic ritual, in animal sacrifice, in the argument that the priest does not actually injure the animal but merely “pacifies” him; the primary meaning of ahimsa is thus to do injury without doing injury, a casuist argument from its very inception. In the Rig Veda (the earliest Sanskrit text, from c. 1200 BCE), the word ahimsa refers primarily to the prevention of injury or violence to the sacrifice and his offspring, as well as his cattle (10.22.13). 

            For Mahtma Gandhi, nonviolence was the search for truth and love in the sense of selfless service of one’s fellow beings. He considered poverty as the worst form of violence.

In other words, a soldier killing the enemy may be simply performing his duty, a butcher slicing strips of meat may just be creating food for the needy, and an eagle picking up a mountain goat may be just carrying its meal. At the same time, a thief stealing money, a policeman slapping a helpless widow, and a youth setting fire to someone’s house may be indulging in violence.

What must be opposed—meat eating or violence? If meat eating is synonymous with violence and so must be opposed, is it justified to make that protest violent? Isn’t that a fallacy?

Why Singh is King but Syed is not?

 

Let us play a game of guessing!

 

Are you ready? Let’s begin.

 

Imagine for a second that you have just joined as the chief recruitment officer in an organisation in India. You have to fill up positions right from the lowest level to the highest rank, post-haste. As a list of candidates is thrust in your hands, you realise that you don’t know any of the candidates personally and that they belong to the following communities: Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, and Adivasi or tribal.

 

You look only at the religion column on the first CV and think: Perhaps this candidate would be a little foolish, flexible, liberal, hardworking, and brave. The next CV, again only a glance at the religion column, and your thoughts are: This candidate is likely to be conniving, rigid, partisan, pleasure seeking, and cruel.

 

Guess, what are the religions of the two candidates?

 

My guess: If you are a Hindu, your answer would be “The first candidate is a Sikh and the second one is a Muslim”.

 

If your guess was different, I stand to be corrected and shall be thankful for your views on the matter.

 

Though Sant Kabir died some 900 years ago, even now popular Hindi film songs are created on inspirations from that great Indian poet and philosopher. We are aware of his poetry, but are not sure whether he was a Hindu or a Muslim. His religion is irrelevant.

 

For that matter, we don't bother much about the religious bent of the original inhabitants of India, be they the Bhils, the Jarwas, the Santhals, the Bodos, the Mundas, the Bhutias, or some other tribe. The Buddhists and the Jains also mostly pass unnoticed. The gruesome murder of the Christian missionary Graham Staines with his sons, Philip (aged 10) and Timothy (aged 6), by burning them while they were asleep in their vehicle, has also become a twenty-five years old incident now.

 

However, we can’t say the same about the Muslims. They matter. They have been living in India for about 1700 years and form about 14% of the population of the country (census of India, 2011). Though the Sikhs constitute only about 2% of India’s populace (census of India, 2011), they, too, matter significantly in modern India. The Sikh religion was introduced initially about 900 years ago among the residents of the Indian sub-continent.

 

The Adivasis are the original inhabitants of the land, followed by the Jains and the Buddhists, both of whom enjoyed prominence before the Christian Era. These three do not ruffle the behaviour of a common Hindu in India as much as a Sikh or a Muslim does.    

 

Several traits are common between the Sikhs and the Muslims:

 

1.     Both are foodies. They love to eat and cook elaborate and exotic meals. You can’t ignore the popularity of Amritsari Machchhi, Chhole-Bhature, Kulcha, Lassi, Kebab, Samosa, Biryani and Sewai served at a Sikh or a Muslim eatery.

2.     Both respect Indian culture and participate in the festivals of other religions. For example, many effigies in the Dussehra festival across India are made by Muslim artisans. The Haji Ali Dargah in Mumbai and the Hazrat Nizamuddin Dargah in New Delhi are decorated with special lights on Diwali. Important Sikh festivals coincide with Diwali, Dussehra and Holi.   

3.      Both are not shy of picking up the sword. Brigadier Mohammad Usman laid his life in the 1948 Indo-Pak war and was awarded the Maha Vir Chakra. Havildar Abdul Hamid Idrisi was posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra for his valour in the 1965 Indo-Pak war. Similarly, Subedar Joginder Singh Sahnan and Naib Subedar Bana Singh were decorated with the Param Vir Chakra during the Sino-Indian war (1962) and Operation Rajiv (1987) respectively. On the flip side, Muslims have been engaged in many communal riots and street brawls. Two Sikh bodyguards, Beant Singh and Satwant Singh, assassinated Indira Gandhi, India’s prime minister, in 1984. Some Sikhs demanded the creation of a separate nation, Khalistan, in India in the early Eighties.  

4.      Both don’t believe in idol worship. They follow the scriptures of the Holy Quran and the Adi Granth and condemn badmouthing other religions.

5.      Both indulge in charity and social service.

 

Muslims have a distinct edge over the Sikhs in certain areas:

 

1.      The number of Muslim exponents of Hindustani classical music far exceeds that of the Sikh maestros.

2.      Muslim artisanship; be it woodwork, brasswork, embroidery, weaving, or calligraphy; is known for its refinement and quality.

3.      Muslim poets, litterateurs, scribes, and journalists have greatly impacted the Indian culture with their work. 

4.      Unlike the Sikhs, who must sport facial hair and a turban that easily distinguish them from the common man, the Muslims are under no such obligation and can easily merge with general public.

 

Though the anti-Sikh riots of 1984 are a blot on India’s constitutional ethos and hate crimes against Sikhs are not uncommon, why is it that a Sikh is generally more acceptable than a Muslim to an average Hindu?  The following points immediately come to mind:      

 

1.      Welfare activities organised by Sikh bodies or individuals are publicised and the general public is encouraged to take their benefit. The needy get free boarding and lodging at Gurudwaras and special relief camps are run by the Sikh after natural calamities.        

2.      The wealth and employment generation by the Sikhs doesn’t remain confined to people of their religion.

3.      Sikhs are never shy of showcasing their achievements. When they do something good, they let the world know about it. 

4.      Sikhs have a magnificent ability to ignore ridicule and move on.

 

While hurting a Sikh may also mean indirectly hurting the Hindu interest, hurting a Muslim doesn’t pose such qualms before misguided Hindus. The common people in present day India may continue to be suspicious of the Muslims till they realise that doing so is not in their favour. Their mindset will change only when the Muslim image is given a makeover. Will that happen? When? All peace-loving Indians would like to know.

The Naked Woman

 

The woman was naked. From a distance of about two hundred metres, I was able to catch only a glimpse of her. As it happened, I was walking towards her and would, in a few moments, be able to see her clearly.

Even from that distance, I had no doubt about her nudity. She WAS naked, exhibiting her glory right on the divider of the busy Bishtupur road in Jamshedpur, right at quarter to nine in the morning of a weekday, right in the midst of cars, auto-rickshaws, cycle-rickshaws, cycles, and pedestrians.

I started walking faster. The curiosity and excitement of a twenty-five years old unmarried man had taken control of me. My moccasins were not great for walking on the pavement, the briefcase in my left hand had started banging against my left knee, the road was uphill and the effort was negating the effect of the antiperspirant; but these impediments were too minor to dampen my determination to have a good look at the woman before she vanished from the scene.

It was 1982. Or, 1981, perhaps. I was no stranger to public nudity. I had envied the lack of inhibition of the effervescent women bathing with hardly any clothes in the canals of Bargarh in Sambalpur. I had witnessed men do a full Monty near the wells in Bastar. I had seen hordes of bare-breasted women laughing and walking on the hills of Singhbhum. I was aware of the custom of nudity in Nagaland and had interacted with blouse-less women who nonchalantly went about their daily chores in the plains of Bengal, Bihar, Uttar Pradesh and Orissa. There was no sense of shame, guilt or perversion associated with the public display of nudity. It was natural, a part of the culture in those regions.

The naked woman was hardly twenty meters away from me now. On the pretext of shifting my briefcase from the left hand to the right, I stopped to have a good look at her. Alluring, curvaceous, gorgeous, hedonistic, licentious, voluptuous, young … no, these adjectives don’t do justice to her.

She was paper thin and oak-dark. Pouches of loose skin were all that she had as breasts. Her hair was short and thin and wet and white. She was rubbing her eyes and tears were glistening on her sunken cheeks. Her only vestige, a discoloured and torn sari, was hanging on the divider grill for drying up. Till the cloth became wearable again, the freshly-bathed homeless poor woman had no choice but to stand naked and cry in shame.

Somehow, she passed on her shame to me. And more than forty years later, I share it with you. Can we really do something substantive to cover the shame of women? Isn’t it overdue?

 

  

The Victimised Offender

 

It's a fairly recent incident. The emergency door next to a politician in an aircraft opens. The slide chutes get automatically deployed. There is mayhem all over. Boarding is stopped, the plane is evacuated, safety protocol is followed, and the flight takes off after two hours. The poor politician is victimised. It transpires that his hand had "accidentally touched the door" because of which it had got "slightly disturbed from its position". It was not his fault that the flight was delayed. An elderly passenger even reportedly blessed the politician, "Beta (son), it is your karma and our karma that something mischievous didn't happen and you found out." See! Do you still need an explanation after that? If anything requires to be done at all, it is slapping a hefty penalty on the airline for installing such sensitive doors that open with just a touch.

Politicians and their relatives are often victimised. Their batchmates are not. I learnt it the hard way. My engineering batchmate happened to be the son-in-law of a minister. He often wore three-piece suits to the class but didn't waste time on studies or small talk with others. Our electrical engineering practicals were conducted in teams of two, and, guess what? He completed my team one day! Resigned to fate, I was doing everything alone. The suit-clad boy confined himself to noting down readings, taking tour of the laboratory, and fiddling with the controls of the idle apparatus. Suddenly, a bang brought me to a standstill. I looked around. There stood the desi dapper, next to a heavy duty induction motor with a freshly snapped lifting hook on its top, the remains of which dangled like an ominous pendulum from a chain on an overhead pulley! I walked to him and asked, "How did that happen?" "You did that, you should know!" he declared and walked away nonchalantly with hands thrust deep in his suit pockets.       

Talking of my engineering college days, I remember another batchmate. Belonging to the sports quota, he often talked about his escapades in the football field. I was always eager to watch him play and score a goal. It took a long wait of eight months for the fulfilment of my wish. I started watching the match from a vantage spot. My batchmate's team attacked three or four times in the initial fifteen minutes, but he wasn't a part of the assault team. So, where was he? It took me some time to spot him, much behind others and limping in pain. He didn't play that match further. Or, matches in the next, or the next, or the next year. In the world of uncertainty, injury to this star player in every match was certain. He passed his engineering course without playing a single game in full. What could he do? A good player can defend himself against offensive players only to a reasonable extent.

The other day I had to travel in a friend's car. Our journey started with the car chassis rubbing the pavement with a loud noise and my friend cursing, "Oh! What was the need to park it so close?" The friend's spouse had parked the car the previous night. So far as I remember, the parking was perfect, exactly between the marking lines. The fault lay with the friend, who had taken a turn too early. But it was nothing new. In the past too I have travelled with this friend with the rear wheel riding rough over pavements, dividers, and other roadside structures. When my friend drives a vehicle, the front wheels obey traffic rules and the rear ones break it. I can hardly blame the friend for the democratic disposition of the wheels.

My residential complex houses about ninety families. Hardly a week passes when we are not awaken early in the morning by the smoke alarm. The alarm usually originates from the same flat every time. The occupants of the flat deny any wrongdoing and explain that Indian food cannot be cooked reasonably well without the emission of an impressive volume of smoke. So what if more than three quarter residents in the building are Indians who manage to cook food without triggering any alarm!

I am sure, you would be having your version of similar incidents to share. I wonder, why does it hurt our ego to accept that we, too, can be wrong? Even when we are sure about being wrong, why don't we acknowledge it? Some people perfect the act so well that they completely ignore facts and refuse parts of the situation that display their fault. Justification of crime under the shelter of religion has also become a norm these days. Some play the victim card so often that one gets bored of the repeated drama. The smarter ones manipulate others with overly emotional means, shift blame, and also earn a lot of sympathy. And then, there is always a bunch of rogues who silence critics by shouting, gaslighting, telling outright lies, accusing, diverting attention, and arguing about the argument!

Beware of the colleague, who, in the name of helping, takes you to the boss and says with a smirk, "Sir, my colleague here wants such and such facility in spite of my telling ..." It is a win-win situation for the smarty. If the boss rejects the request, the smarty earns brownie points for having already warned you, and if the boss accepts the request, the smartass gets projected as an excellent team player.

A clever guy always used to keep some stupid staff under him. The purpose? Whenever something went wrong, he used to pass the blame on to the poor chaps. The sacrificial goat was replaced every time and the clever guy used to go scot free. The trick worked successfully for many years.   

It's not uncommon to find people who blame others. And it's also not uncommon to find people who don't trust such narcissists and even hate them. You can be honest about yourself, accept the reality, acknowledge your weaknesses, and find ways for improvement. Or, you can continue doing injustice to yourself and block avenues for improvement. Decide, what would you like to be? The victimised offender, or the honest human?

The Blind Follower

            A professor was praising an individual. Having committed several blunders, the individual, in my opinion, did not deserve to be idolised. As I tried to present my views, the professor remarked, "I see! So, you follow his opponent."

How conveniently was I labelled as an "opponent" of the individual! And, that too, by a learned person. I changed the topic, but the experience left me wondering: why do people find it so easy to idolise people? Why can't they examine, accept and appreciate people like normal human beings? Why can't they accept healthy criticism? Why is it necessary for one to belong to a particular camp? Why can't one be neutral, in possession of one's senses?

 

I find it very amusing when someone claims, "My daddy is the best in the world!" What makes them release such a ridiculous statement? Have they met all the daddies in the world? Obviously, no! Such exaggerations please whom? What purpose do they serve? Who are they fooling?

"Best daddy in the world" is just an example. Replace "daddy" with the name of a politician, boss, sports person, movie personality, guru, writer, etc., and it would still ring true to many of us. Isn't it funny?

It is funnier when one realises that the idoliser has little idea about the object of worship, and most of the notions are misplaced. Many people take offence when I say that Vivekananda smoked cigarettes and ate mutton and fish. I am labelled mad when I declare that George Eliot was actually a woman, or that Lata Mangeshkar was also a music composer, or that Milkha Singh didn't get the title of Flying Sikh from an Indian but from Ayub Khan, the dictator of Pakistan. I can go on and on, but I am sure you get what I am hinting at.

Rather than examining the merit of an idea, we look at its originator. So many items I have witnessed people rubbish an idea, only to eulogise it moments later on realising that it is the brainchild of someone they hold in high esteem. 'Who' is saying should not matter, 'what' is being said should. However, it is generally the other way round. We feel compelled to follow the successful. We don't follow ideas, we follow people. We don't discuss ideas, we discuss people.

What makes us blindly follow a personality, in spite of knowing that success is temporary and fads become outdated? Today's heroes often turned out villains tomorrow. So many swamis of yesteryears are today branded as rascals.

Desmond Morris has brilliantly analysed the psychological aspects that make us find comfort in becoming part of a group and being identified as members of powerful sects. It is an easy way to stay safe and gain recognition, wealth, and power. Inability to make own decisions also forces people to follow the majority around them. Mediocrity and lack of intelligence, knowledge, courage, confidence and risk-taking ability compel people to blindly follow others. Peer pressure and fears of failure, suppression and ridicule also contribute to the phenomenon. Gradually, people lose sense and start believing everything that their idol says. Some readers may be aware of the Stockholm syndrome, under the influence of which hostages start sympathising with their captors and the abused start admiring their abusers. The so-called idols use the followers for selfish gains. Scams thrive on the weakness of the human mind to avoid complexities and follow the easiest route.

            Blind followers always suffer. It is not necessary to be in a camp. Some of the greatest achievers such as Tagore, Einstein and CV Raman were so different from each-other. So, why copy? Why not be rational? Don't underestimate yourself, my friend. Be original and earn respect. You deserve it!

            Believe me, it is possible. It has been proved so many times.

Work-Life Balance

 

I avoid Gurus. They oversimplify issues and make the sufferer feel like a fool. 

Two all-time-greats, Amitabh Bachchan and Kapil Dev, recently expressed similar opinions about work-related stress. Amitabh Bachchan was hosting the television serial Kaun Banega Crorepati and Kapil Dev was participating in some public event. Amitabh Bachchan said that he does not get overloaded with work and is able to enjoy private time at home, while admitting that he also reads scripts and proposals there. Kapil Dev was astonished at the depression and tension felt by some modern cricketers and said that if they find it too difficult to handle, they should stop playing the game.

 

Amitabh Bachchan and Kapil Dev are not common folk. While Mr Bachchan was the top hero of Hindi cinema for several years, Mr Dev is credited with single-handedly engineering India's first World Cup title in cricket some decades ago. These two greats had access to the best systems and facilities. While they might have had official engagements on birthdays, anniversaries, and other important days, it is also possible that their near and dear ones and staff might have accompanied them on many such occasions, a privilege not enjoyed by most of us.

Work-related stress and work-life imbalance are not figments of imagination. They are there for even the mightiest to experience. It's a different matter that some ignore them, some suffer in silence, and only a few muster courage to be open about it.

Though most working people experience the syndrome, those in the vocation of their choice complain the least. A musician may practise for hours without getting tired, a painter may not come out of the studio for days and yet not get bored, and a journalist may lose the track of time in the flow of events. Separated from mundane realities, intellectuals are happiest when engrossed in their own world. The same is also true with those engaged in manual labour with specific tools—the tailors, the carpenters, the plumbers, etc. Work of choice can keep one occupied enough to skip meals and events, forget birthdays and anniversaries, and yet enjoy a feeling of accomplishment. In a way, Mr Bachchan and Mr Dev are right; work-life balance is a matter of perception. While script-reading may be work for others, it is not so for Mr Bachchan. Similarly, practising cricket and analysing the game for hours may be part of home routine for Mr Dev.

Am I contradicting myself?

No! A harsh reality is that one rarely gets a job of choice! And, in the exceptional event of one getting it, retaining it proves elusive most of the times. One is forced to compromise today or tomorrow. Stress and work-life imbalance become a reality for such people.

The point is, can the encroachment of work in personal life become bearable?

To come to an answer, let us first examine some factors contributing to work-life imbalance.

Surfeit of Communication

A line manager received a call from her boss at night. The manager's shift had ended hours ago, and only the night shift employees were working at the time. The boss complained, "Just now I saw our customer service executive over the CCTV. Why does he have such a grim face? Why can't he smile?"

The manager responded, "But the office hours are over for clients. The executive must be sitting alone, completing paperwork."

The boss remarked, "So what, if he is alone? Shouldn't a customer service executive smile all the time?"

The manager mumbled an apology, spoke to the executive the next morning, and reported back to her boss.

The incident left an ugly mark on the psyche of the manager. She changed jobs at the first opportunity.

A good percentage of communication is pure garbage. The proportion is increasing as time passes. Even the most balanced person can get disturbed by damaging communication. Do we really need to get affected by such garbage? Can't we make better use of time?       

Encouragement to Demands

As the yet-to-be-three years old rubbed sleep out of her eyes, the grandmother asked, "What do you want for breakfast? Boiled eggs or an omelette?"

Minutes later, breakfast was served to the girl. She was not happy, though. It should have been served in a pink plate, she urged. The plate was replaced, and the girl proceeded with eating the breakfast. While eating, she kept on directing the exact Peppa Pig episode to be played alongside.

Can a three-year-old be trusted to know what is best for her?

Exposure to the Glamorous Side of Peers

Times are tough, and who doesn't need a dependable friend in tough times? It's natural to get close to sincere friends, but the closeness comes at a price. Unknowingly, an unfair comparison begins. They use that perfume, and we? They use that car, and we? Their furniture is like that, and ours? Their income must be so much, and ours? Their children go to that school and attend those hobby classes, and ours? They eat at that restaurant and spend vacations at that place, and we?

You are bound to find some areas where 'they' are superior, make efforts to come out better, or feel bitter.   

Indecision and Self-doubt

You decide to host a party at a particular place and fine-tune the guest list, only to feel that you could have enjoyed it better if 'X' was replaced with 'Y'. You paint your house in a favourite shade, only to realise that it doesn't look appealing enough. You pay through your nose to buy a flat, only to repent that you had overlooked certain shortcomings. You accept employment with great enthusiasm, only to notice that the job is not as cosy as you had initially thought.   

            Sounds familiar? Do happy stories often have tragic endings in your case?

Promising Beyond Capability

The boss asks, "Will you submit the report by 6pm, today?" And you respond, "Yes!"

The facts are: your staff leaves at 4:30pm, the research material is not available, the copier does not have blank sheets, and you will miss an important engagement unless you leave the office at the scheduled hour of 5:30pm. Yet, you agree, because you need that job and can't work under an annoyed boss. You can't even tell the boss about the absence of staff, the lack of material, the shortage of stationery, or your personal engagement. You fear that the boss may consider you as incompetent and think about replacing you. 

            The result? Either you fail to submit the report in time, or come up with a far-from-ideal document, making the boss and yourself dissatisfied, not to talk of the missed important engagement.     

            I am sure, you can add many more stress and imbalance contributing factors from your own experience. Please do so and share with other readers, while I try to find ways to make the impact more bearable.

Manage Expectations

You are no superpower. Even the champions get defeated. Don't brag about yourself and fall in a self-made trap. Never commit unless you are pretty sure of honouring the commitment. Learn to say no to impossible demands. Remember, people only hear what they wish to hear. So, stop making statements such as, "Yes, I will try to submit the report ...," "I will try to come home by ...," "I will buy that gift for you if ...," etc. At the outset, say, "At the moment it appears difficult to ... because of ...," giving logical reasons. If you are still able to crack it, everybody will be happy. Otherwise, you will feel less stress and guilt.

Accept Limitations

You are unique. It's not pep talk but a fact of life. If you still need a proof, try to find out another person who has the same finger prints as yours. Stop trying to match that happy person in your neighbourhood, or that smart worker in the office, or that crowd puller in social gatherings. Everybody has their own problems. It's just that you don't know about it.

            Be sincere in your approach, and respect yourself for it. Brooding over others' successes or own failures doesn't help beyond a certain extent.

Manage Time

Don't draw your schedule too tight. Keep some margin for unexpected developments. Also remember, things can go wrong unexpectedly. Be prepared for that.

            That reminds me of a Japanese officer in an Indian company. He had a habit of starting ten minutes early to attend meetings, though it hardly took two minutes to reach the venue and get organised. When asked about it, the man replied, "I invariably have to stop and talk to people on my way. It would be impolite to just wave and keep walking, so I stop, tell them that I am going to a meeting, and take proper leave."  

Prioritise and Sacrifice

Survival, health, happiness, and security are important for us. There are bound to be instances when meeting a deadline is essential for the survival of our or our employer's business. Submission of a tender, attending a surgery, etc., fall in this category. Undergoing regular health check up, exercising, etc., contribute to one's physical health. Going to a movie or a party, taking care of dependents, etc., affect happiness. Finally, managing investments and paying taxes help one in the long run. One must have the common sense to calmly sacrifice the lesser crucial work to fulfil the more important responsibility. With a pragmatic approach and flexibility, one can find alternate ways to meet the less important commitments and still derive pleasure. Remember, it's the small things in life that often give unexpected happiness!   

Prepare Thoroughly

You can save tremendous efforts and rework by understanding and interpreting stated and implied requirements. Develop the habit of reading between the lines, and prepare fully. The approach will enable you to deliver more than expected, both at work and at home.

Rethink and Change

If, in spite of sincerely trying, you are not able to maintain a healthy balance between work and life, rethink and change. Yes, it may be time to change your travel arrangement, house help, vehicle or route, house, lifestyle, pet, or even the job or the spouse. You live only once, and there is no point in getting tormented when you can alleviate the suffering through some action.