Some time back a friend asked for
my postal address. He wanted to send me a book. I like complimentary items,
especially books. My friend promised that the book would be of particular interest
to me, as it proposed the ideal way of living for the retired folk.
I warned him that except for
delivering a passport and collecting Rs.100 in bakshish, no postman had
ventured near my home for three years. He admitted having not seen the endangered
species for a while, and assured that the book would reach me through the
courier service.
My friend, a senior colleague in
past, must be at least ten years elder to me. I recently crossed to the wrong
side of sixty, and he needs 20-30 years to become a centenarian. On the other
hand, the book was authored as a celebratory recording of its author crossing
the 100-year mark. Wow!
The book arrived. I found it
amazingly powerful in gliding the reader through the emotions of happiness,
eagerness, boredom, and disappointment; in that order. I tossed it aside, and
then the realisation dawned on me. The author, a postmaster in his heydays, had
successfully transmitted the secret of enjoying old age without a postage stamp.
I decided to live life to the fullest, and crafted a fresh credo.
Read ahead and gear up to enjoy
life as a senior citizen!
Get up at 4 without disturbing
others. Frequent clicking of switches, banging of doors, and flushing with the
door ajar do not count as disturbance.
Play devotional music at low
volume. Low volume for you may hover around 20 on most TV sets. Remember,
earplugs cause infection and make one look selfish.
Open and close windows to receive and
reject fresh air. Drop things in the effort, pick them up to ensure tidiness,
and drop more things in the process. It is the intention that matters, not the
results.
Call up friends. Speak clearly to
ensure that the poor hard-of-hearing souls get the gist without many
repetitions. Realise that you have forgotten to press the 'call' button, and
convey the message again. Don't repeat everything spoken by them, concentrating
on every third word would be sufficient.
Ignore the protests of the family
on being woken up early on a holiday, for they don't know what they are doing.
Take the newspaper and go for the
morning walk. It will come handy when you sit for a while. The family has the
whole day to read it.
Join your friends on a bench.
Invent and analyse the shortcomings of your family members and investigate
their hidden motives in the group. The Pope and his servant know more than the
Pope alone. The good-for-nothing idiots may be able to raise a genuine point
for a change.
Back home, complain that you never
get a piping hot cup of tea. When the tea arrives, allow it to settle down.
Piping hot does not mean scalding hot.
Use others' toothbrush by mistake. Enjoy
the difference, and replace the item back in the holder. Feign ignorance if the
rightful owner of the brush asks why is it wet.
Spit on the faucet and on the wall
of the washbasin. It will get cleaned due to the force of gravity.
Support healthy eating. Deep-fried
items, non-vegetarian food, and pizza kill. Rummage through the fridge and
cupboards to check for these, eat a bit, and spill liberally. It is your
responsibility to check how irresponsible can the family be in its food
habits.
Create the excitement for a good
story, and forget the narration halfway.
Repeat your stories twenty-five
times. People have short memories these days.
Sit on your spectacles and search
for them. Retrieve the broken pieces and curse the manufacturer for the poor
quality.
Argue with recorded messages on the
telephone. They are so silly!
Discuss vegetable prices in
cocktail parties. A penny saved is a penny earned.
Express affection. Eat the favourite
items of youngsters from their plate.
Break gas loudly and with gay
abandon. You live in a free country.
Try to pee in the bowl. Flush. Pee
again. Try to flush again. Zip up. Pee. No need for flushing. Come out with a strategically placed
newspaper.
Read the nineteen credos above and
try to coin your own.
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