Age is Just a Number!

Some time back a friend asked for my postal address. He wanted to send me a book. I like complimentary items, especially books. My friend promised that the book would be of particular interest to me, as it proposed the ideal way of living for the retired folk.

I warned him that except for delivering a passport and collecting Rs.100 in bakshish, no postman had ventured near my home for three years. He admitted having not seen the endangered species for a while, and assured that the book would reach me through the courier service.

My friend, a senior colleague in past, must be at least ten years elder to me. I recently crossed to the wrong side of sixty, and he needs 20-30 years to become a centenarian. On the other hand, the book was authored as a celebratory recording of its author crossing the 100-year mark. Wow!

The book arrived. I found it amazingly powerful in gliding the reader through the emotions of happiness, eagerness, boredom, and disappointment; in that order. I tossed it aside, and then the realisation dawned on me. The author, a postmaster in his heydays, had successfully transmitted the secret of enjoying old age without a postage stamp. I decided to live life to the fullest, and crafted a fresh credo.

Read ahead and gear up to enjoy life as a senior citizen!

Get up at 4 without disturbing others. Frequent clicking of switches, banging of doors, and flushing with the door ajar do not count as disturbance.

Play devotional music at low volume. Low volume for you may hover around 20 on most TV sets. Remember, earplugs cause infection and make one look selfish.

Open and close windows to receive and reject fresh air. Drop things in the effort, pick them up to ensure tidiness, and drop more things in the process. It is the intention that matters, not the results. 

Call up friends. Speak clearly to ensure that the poor hard-of-hearing souls get the gist without many repetitions. Realise that you have forgotten to press the 'call' button, and convey the message again. Don't repeat everything spoken by them, concentrating on every third word would be sufficient.

Ignore the protests of the family on being woken up early on a holiday, for they don't know what they are doing.

Take the newspaper and go for the morning walk. It will come handy when you sit for a while. The family has the whole day to read it.

Join your friends on a bench. Invent and analyse the shortcomings of your family members and investigate their hidden motives in the group. The Pope and his servant know more than the Pope alone. The good-for-nothing idiots may be able to raise a genuine point for a change. 

Back home, complain that you never get a piping hot cup of tea. When the tea arrives, allow it to settle down. Piping hot does not mean scalding hot.

Use others' toothbrush by mistake. Enjoy the difference, and replace the item back in the holder. Feign ignorance if the rightful owner of the brush asks why is it wet.

Spit on the faucet and on the wall of the washbasin. It will get cleaned due to the force of gravity.

Support healthy eating. Deep-fried items, non-vegetarian food, and pizza kill. Rummage through the fridge and cupboards to check for these, eat a bit, and spill liberally. It is your responsibility to check how irresponsible can the family be in its food habits.   

Create the excitement for a good story, and forget the narration halfway.

Repeat your stories twenty-five times. People have short memories these days.

Sit on your spectacles and search for them. Retrieve the broken pieces and curse the manufacturer for the poor quality.

Argue with recorded messages on the telephone. They are so silly!

Discuss vegetable prices in cocktail parties. A penny saved is a penny earned.

Express affection. Eat the favourite items of youngsters from their plate.

Break gas loudly and with gay abandon. You live in a free country.

Try to pee in the bowl. Flush. Pee again. Try to flush again. Zip up. Pee. No need for flushing.  Come out with a strategically placed newspaper.

Read the nineteen credos above and try to coin your own.       

The Concept of Cleanliness

My team of Indian engineers was once introduced to the employees of a German company. We were expected to work closely together. The get-together was thought to serve as the icebreaker for a great partnership. A German, who had visited India a number of times to settle the deal, took the lead in explaining the Indian way of living to his colleagues.

"Indians associate 'clean' with 'wet'," he started. "Once I asked for my bathroom to be cleaned, and it was made wet all over. Indians believe in washing and leaving things wet ..," he went on.

Fifty amused pairs of German eyes were directed at the Indian contingent. Embarrassed, I looked at my colleague who was busy in chomping snacks with the tastiest beer we ever had. I felt insulted, but the German was making a valid point. Whether it is a temple, a shop-front, or a car, we soak the object with copious amounts of water and leave puddles of dirty water everywhere. Our sense of cleanliness does not allow us to put the lid back on the toilet after use, and some of us feel shy of even using the flush. I have often been disgusted on finding used toilet papers scattered on the floor in aeroplane facilities.

A 'swachchhata abhiyaan' or cleanliness drive is on in India for some years now. People are being persuaded against defecating in the open. Toilets and urinals are being built and women are being allowed the privilege of using toilets in restaurants and hotels even if they don't buy anything there. Two public urinals, both with maroon spotted tiles, have sprung up at strategic spots in my locality. The one in a park faces a bakery. The other, on a road-crossing, is near a shopping complex that also houses a snack maker. One needs absolute courage and determination or utter desperation to use these urinals—the stench is so overbearing!  

Gearing up for action, municipal authorities have used excavators to break covers on rainwater drains and expose the black dirty water to the atmosphere. Slush has been removed and left on the roads. Ten days later, scourges of mosquitoes dance over open drains heralding the onset of dengue and other diseases. Stray dogs judge the slush on the road as the perfect spot to relieve themselves. Vehicles catch the filth in their tyres and spread it to various destinations.

Does cleanliness mean making an area filthy and disease prone? Should good ideas be killed with idiotic understanding and third rate executions?

I do not blame the excavator operator who carried out the assignment, but wonder why the municipal authority did not make arrangements for the disposal of the muck? Are they confident that the entire garbage will vanish in a few months by flowing back into the drain or being carried to different homes? Or, is it a case of a faulted concept of cleanliness?         

UAE Sets a Fine Example

The UAE set a fine example of peaceful coexistence, tolerance and modern ideology by amending an expatriate marriage rule and issuing a birth certificate to Anamta Aceline Kiran, daughter of a Hindu father and a Muslim mother (Khaleej Times, April 28). The step signifies the nation's resolve for the welfare of its populace. Just a few days earlier the foundation stone of a Hindu temple was laid in Abu Dhabi on 13.5 acres (55,000 square metres) of land gifted by Shaikh Mohammad Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, to the Indian community for the purpose. The act is the essence of 'Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam', a phrase from the Maha Upnishad, meaning "the world is one family".

In contrast, division of the electorate on the lines of caste and religion in India betrays political endeavour to divert attention from real issues and gain political mileage by spreading fear and hatred. Non-resident Indians, being more liberal in their approach, continue to be ignored and cannot exercise their franchise outside India. Sadly, one still waits for the concept of 'Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam' to be truly applied in the country of its origin.