As I prepare to hang my boots
after slogging in private companies for thirty-five years; I think of several
valuable lessons which I unfortunately learnt too late, which are of no use to
me now, but which can be handy for the younger generation.
One of them is about the art of
shirking work.
If you are a natural work
shirker, do not read any further; for you would be a better faculty than I am. Mine is acquired knowledge, while yours would
be a god-given gift.
I see that you are still reading.
Well, so be it! Master these tricks, and good luck to you.
Play to the Gallery
You may find it difficult to
remain awake on your desk; but meetings are a different matter. You need not
attend them fully. While attending one, appear lost in deep thoughts at regular
spells, draw patterns in thin air, and occasionally nod your approval. Look at
the boss when he is not looking at you. Grab subtle hints at what he likes and
what he detests. Play to the gallery, try to speak the boss’s thoughts,
regardless of how moronic they may be. Exaggerate for greater effect, and then
look at the boss. For example, suppose a warehouse is to be built. If it
usually takes ten months to build one and another month to make it fully
functional, chances are that your boss may like it to be completed in six
months. Bosses can be like that! Now, during the discussion, when the poor project
in-charge protests that anything under eleven months is not possible, look at
him aghast. Tell how even a day outside six months would amount to nothing but
a complete disaster, and ask whether he is aware how the Chinese construct
bridges so fast. Make brief eye contact with your boss, and if you see approval
in his eyes, get engrossed in some mundane mail on your laptop. Revert to
nodding approvals. If the project in-charge sticks to his guns, murmur, “I
think more than physical handicaps, we are facing a mental block here.” Extend
the deliberations so much that your project is never discussed.
Wondering how does it amount to
playing to the gallery? Your boss alone is the gallery, you idiot!
Use Jargons
Just because he is your boss does
not mean that he knows the difference between judicious and judicial. Keep good
words and pronunciation aside. Use jargons, plenty of them. Remember how the
Godrej Puff and the Orient PSPO ads projected a domestic refrigerator and a
ceiling fan as some engineering marvel? Do the same. KRA, AvP, 5S, paradigm
shift, proactive, etc., have become dated. Use some unfamiliar words with
dramatic effect. For example, while others discuss a project which requires you
to work hard, stand with a bored face and ask, “What about picking up a MILE
project rather than these conventional ones?” If someone asks what is MILE,
look at him with pity and say, “Maximum impact, little labour. We all know that
from our childhood, don’t we?” Of course, this MILE project will require you to
dine at five star hotels and travel abroad business class.
Handling Budding Stars
Every office has some zombies who
are goal oriented sincere, hard workers. Fortunately, most of them are so
engrossed in achieving their goal that they have little knowledge and time for
office politics. They are either already stars or are budding stars. Make
friends with them. Don’t engage them in lengthy discussions – just try and win
them over with small gifts such as a book, a doughnut, a bright smile, etc.
Talk to them with extra warmth. And then, when the iron is hot, strike. Pass on
some task that is too simple to be refused. Slowly make it your birthright to
treat them as your errand boys. If they refuse, let it be known all over. Paint
a picture – this so-called great achiever can’t perform even such a simple task!
Either the fellow will leave in disgust or will be compelled to do your work.
Whatever be the case, you will be saved from doing little things as you are cut
out to do bigger jobs which can be accomplished only when the entire senior
team contributes. Settle for a beer, pal!
Sitting Arrangement
If you sit opposite the boss,
most of the work will fall on you. Sit on his side with three people separating
the two of you. If he still particularly entrusts some work upon you, accept it
with great confidence, seek the opinion of others, select the most enthusiastic
participants, and either pass on the work to them or include them in your team
in the larger interests of the organisation.
Find Fault
You are extraordinary, and it is
only you who can take your company to extraordinary heights. While everybody
goes gaga over some achievement, praise in general but do not forget to mention
some shortcomings. If you can’t think of one, say, “Overall wonderful, but it
could have been in a different league altogether if we had taken care of certain
things. I can’t really put a finger on it, but many people carry the same
impression.” Don’t allow the trick to boomerang by having the task fall on your
shoulder. Avoid it with a dash of generosity, “No, he did it so well. He
deserves another chance to excel himself.”
The Principle of Admiration
Admire your boss when his boss is not present. It is his boss who must be admired and not your boss, if the superman is present. Remember to admire only the highest ranking individual. If you do not know what to admire, say something such as, “You are such a vibrant source of inspiration for the right minded people.” Sugarcoat your words every time you talk to the boss. He will develop a soft corner for you. Use it to get a cushy assignment.
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